The Military Doesn't Prepare You for Goodbyes

     In August we left Washington after almost 4 years.  Mcchord had become home and the friends we made there became family.  It was a place filled with so much joy and so many memories I thought that I'd have to be pulled away kicking and screaming.  I went willingly....I was ready to leave, ready to gain my independence again, and ready to get back to my core with no distractions.

     The day we left was bittersweet.  We drove away from a house my family loved and considered home.  In the months prior that home turned to a place that was foreign to us.  I glanced into each room going through memories of each space.  Trying to take as much of it as I could with me.  I starred at the coldesac were my boys learned to ride their bikes and Maci would circle over and over in her walker.  I looked up at the front window seeing the kids all lined up laughing as they threw toys down onto the driveway.  I glanced at the neighbors window.  The neighbor, Ms. Wanda, that became a serogant grandmother, and the window were she kept an eye on the world.  I looked up the street at Paulas house.  The woman that always kept everyone in front of herself and was a constant pick me up.  It was home and it was unrecognizable in my heart.  It was time to go....and we were ready.  

     We drove together one last time as Popelets to our favorite restaurant, Carr's.  A place where we we held giant life events in a quaint setting.  We went to celebrate births, before deployments, to welcome home missing pieces of our hearts, to make out-of-towers feel welcome, and now for one last goodbye....possibly the biggest goodbye yet.  Breakfast was normal, see we had become good at pushing back our welling hearts and keeping our eyes dry.  We are experts at sucking it up and doing what must be done no matter the pain.  The kids laughed and ate as siblings, the adults drank coffee and ate with the usual conversation.  Everyone played the roll perfectly, like nothing was changing, like we would all go home and watch football together....like we were whole.

     In the parking lot it was impossible.  Impossible to block the pain, to stop the tears.  My best friend....the one that kept me sane, that knew my thoughts, that knew my heart, my soul, my best sides and the sides I would never share again.  The boys that became 2/5ths of my heart....the boys that I looked at as my own, the ones that I would kiss goodnight, that I would cuddle on the couch, the boys that are a part of me.  The Man that my Sister loved, the one that kept her happy, that provided her life, and the one that shared her with me willingly.  A part of my life would never be the same.  This chapter of my life I had alway wanted to last forever. I knew during that goodbye I would always look back with smiles and tears, laughter and hurt.    

     The trip to Las Veags was amazing.  We drove along the west coast, stood in awe with the Redwood trees, drank wine in Napa Valley, crossed a desert that made you believe in hell, and entered  a city that I thought the worst of and it surprised me.  We have made new friends and reconnected with ones from years ago.  We have set up our home that is filled with our love and hardwork.   I love it here, I feel at home here.  We have a routine and little stress, Matt and I are closer than ever and rarely disagree.  It was exactly what we needed even if it's not what we wanted.   I ache each day when I go to turn to Sara and laugh about something and remember it's not that easy anymore.  But a smile comes across when I think back on our family.....We may not always be together but we will always be one.

Getting A Hold on Things

     Matt came home, wine and a movie in hand. When he walked in the door the children ran into his arms. He held them longer, tighter than usual. Our eyes met and we smiled. It was one of those moments that you don't think about until something makes it significant. The evening went as usual. I sat on the couch, I could feel him looking at me from the kitchen so I turned and I could see he was inside himself. A Look that we've learned to recognize in the past year. I left him to his thoughts...the war we reeling through his eyes and he needed his peace. My phone buzzed and it's Matt...." I have something I need to tell you.". My heart sunk....the significance was at my feet. I couldn't bear to look at him. So I returned his text,"just tell me." it was to long before my phone buzzed again and I could feel it coming and was powerless to stop the moment. "I'm deploying in August.". I finally turned shaking my head no. His eyes filled with tears. He met me halfway and we hugged and cried. The kiddos sensing a need of change in the atmosphere turned on the music and we danced.
 
     I hope this isn't going to ramble on to much and I pray God can help make sense of all these thoughts and emotions. I've lost track and it's up to me to put myself in check. My fears and loneliness have been slowly mashing me into bitterness. GRACE...I must find it again. I thought my suffering was over. Haven't I given enough of myself, my family, I watch my child wear down and it has begun to erode me. This family needs strength, needs, hope, a rock, and I will force myself to step up again. It's time to step up and take back control....to all who this will offend I apologize. It's not my intention. I have played the politics for to long and it's changing me. I am in need of a purging of all things, people, vices, that have weakened me and got the best of me. I have 2 months left to get straight with the role model I choose to be.
     Please try not to take offenense but there are many people that I'll be taking a break from. You are wonderful and unique in a way that I will always appreciate. I would love to stay in touch and will always be there if you are ever in need of anything but it's time to get back to basics. Well wishes and thank you for letting me move in a direction that brings me back to a genuine self. It's time for a disconnect with social media and all other virtual "realities" and time to reconnect with my soul, my emotions, my family, my true self.

   There are few I depend on for strength and I'll be calling on you again...thanks for holding me up...I need you more than ever.... (Lucky by Jason Mraz just started playing on my Pandora....what a perfect way to end this post.)

The Next Greastest Generation

     Last Sunday was, without a doubt, the hottest day of this summer.  It was also mush more than that.  It was the 10 year anniversary of September 11.  It just so happens that the Puyallup Fair was also going during this time.  The fair had contacted the Air Force base and the Army post and asked for 2 people who's accomplishments outshine all others.  Matt was selected as one of these people.  We were expected to attend the fair and that evening the city, a local church, and the fair would present him with an award in honor of remembering 9/11.  So on the hottest day of the year we venture to the fair with all three kids in tow, ready to brave the crowds.  What a day!  Vincent begged to ride a roller coaster the entire time, so eventually we gave in to his persistence and paid the $20 for ride tickets.  We waited in the line and eventually the boys were buckled in ready to ride.  After one lap, both boys, with tears down their checks, were screaming to stop the ride.  I guess their not real thrill seekers.  Ben's only request was to ride "the messed up horsey" aka camel.  While standing in line Matt spots a stand selling roasted corn.  I turn and no Matt, he's already chomping on the ear of corn, which leaves Ben, the messed up horse, and I.  We ride 2 laps on the camel, which was all I wanted to muster, and then get off ready for the next event.  We walked sampling all of the food, corn dogs, donuts, elephant ears, lemonade, and fried Twinkies (Matt still thinks the Twinkies were money well spent). 

     At 4 o'clock Matt leaves to get in his full dress uniform and get ready for the concert.  The kids are tired and through with the magic of the fair.  We head to the stage and wait.  The event was somber, all in remembrance, with veterans, children, parents, all people effected by the tragedy.   Maci was tired of sitting and threw everything she could onto the floor.  Ben was seated to a veteran in a wheelchair.  Each time the man would nod off Ben would release the brake on his chair, laughing and giggling the entire time.  Vince was tired of being my little helper and could only worry about having a train tattoo airbrushed on his arm (tough I know).  So the routine went, find something for Maci to play with, reassure Vince that he'll leave with a stellar tattoo, reach down picking up Maci's entertainment whiles she screams about it, and sit up just in time to catch the wheelchair as it wakes the veteran.  "I must've nodded off."  He says each time his head bobs from being stopped and rolled back into place.  I finally had to take the boys away to play behind the bleachers, and left Maci , with Nikki a fellow K-9 wife, who knows first hand the struggle of balancing military wife, with busy mom.  After what felt like hours Matt received his award and the crowd cheered for him.  The boys were ecstatic.  They yelled, "that's our Daddy, everybody loves him!"  A gentleman in his late 80's or so leaned into them, and said, "You right everyone does love your Daddy, he's one of a few."  and then touched my shoulder to make sure he had my attention and said , "Enjoy this struggle, and remember the whole country is taking notes.  You and your husband are the next greatest generation."

     If you've read the book, The Greatest Generation, or have the pleasure of knowing the people from that place and struggle in time, you will feel what has touched me.  It was an honor to placed in such a category.  Matt and I have the honor of knowing, loving, and growing up with our relatives from The Greatest Generation, and pray we can do half the job they did.  So from this day forward I have a new view of the hard days, and can't wait to look back on them with pride.

“For every thing you have missed, you have gained something else; and for every thing you gain, you lose something” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

My Hero Comes Home

     Matt has made it home!  Friday Matt called my phone and said, "Sorry Babe, but plans have changed again.  I won't behome Monday, I'll be home Saturday!"  It was so good to hear and almost unbelievable.  Thank God for Sara!  She kept my mind busy all day long and helped me chase ofter the kids and try to rein in their excitement.  The day flew by and finally it was time to go.  Matt was so overwhelmed on the phone when we talked, I was unsure of how this reunion would go.  Matt was told he'd be greeted by the officals and was quickly feeling overwhelmed.  The kennel Master asked that people hang back if at all possible and give him his space to adjust.  This was such a relief.  Matt had asked that I not even bring the kids because of feeling overwhelmed and now hw was more comfortable seeing them.  The boys were so excited to be a part of the excitement. 
    We got to the airport and waited.  I stood searching with my eyes.  Up and down the escalators, down the halls, through the people.  Finally, I spot him.  We locked eyes and head straight for eachother.  The boys followed behind with grins from ear to ear across their faces.  Matt and I tookour time walking towards eachother, but never breaking our stare.  It was almost unbelievable to see eachother.  This reunion was unlike any other before.  We usually see eachother and smiles spread, we rush towards eachother, and kiss, before the was nothing but smiles not a single shead tear.  This was very different.  We took our time, we could each see the pain in our eyes.  When we finally reached eachother we burried our faces in eachothers necks and began to cry.  We both could feel a relief.  Matt knew better than I how close we were to having a very different reunion.  He whispered in my neck through \tears,"I didn't think I'd ever hold you again, and here we are."  "Here we are." I reponded  He looked in my eyes and said, "I'm home.  I made it.  Breathe again, the only one that'll be knocking on our door his me when I get home from work."  He then bent down to great the kids.  While everyone was greeting Matt I was able to say hello to Basco.  He was so thin and missing hair, he was worn. I bent down and pet his ears.  I hugged hugged his neck and told him thnak you.  There is no animal I hold more dear.  Basco was there when I couldn't be to comfort him, to entertain him, and to make sure he and countless others made it home.
    So many people had asked if I was excited....I was, but the feelings of relief were so much greater.  He made it.  We made it.  I see the way people look at him and treat him now.  I'm so proud to be on his arm.

Coming Home

      Here it is again...the time has come.  The kids and I are counting down the days till we're in his arms again!  After 3 deployments the homecoming is always filled with same routines and feelings.  Words can't describe the goodbye and they can't give justice to the homecoming.  The butterflies will flutter, you have a glow, the children are tingling with excitement.  The house is spotless, the lawn freshly mowed, his favorite foods awaiting, the banner ready and the flag hung.
     Each time I go out to hang the flag the day he returns.  I stop, recounting the heartache since he's been gone.  Each time my eyes weld up and know each sacrifice our family made was worth this flag hanging with pride.  I take my first deep breath and smile, knowing another goodbye will come, but today is not the day to dwell.  My first deep breath, I can breathe again, all is well, he's safe and I know his eyes are welding as he hits US soil.  I can feel his relief from so far away still.
      I have 4-7 days left, and each bit of energy goes into the homecoming.  I will clean, cook, mother, and go as normal, but inside I know it's coming....fast.  It's exciting and hard to reunite and the anxieties are almost overwhelming.  Will he be distracted, will he feel comfort, will he be able to slow, will he be the man I said goodbye to...We'll work through it we always do.  What excitement is bustling in our home....for now we will have him home where he belongs till next time duty calls....

"Not everyone hears is.  It's just a few, but there's no denying it once you do.  When your country calls you do your part.  So H is for Honor in the American Heart."    

Peace

     It's 5:15am when my phone rings.  After a week of worry, I hear his voice on the other end.  By the time we're done talking the sun has rose and I can see that it's snowed.  We say our goodbyes and reluctantly hang up.  He's told me some of the dangers he's faced that week, but says I don't need to know anything else.  "I've been shot at a few times but it could be worse." Most might pause if their spouse tells them that this was the best part of the day.  I don't even think he noticed how odd that statement actually was.  I lay in bed looking out the window at the snow, white and peaceful.  Not a noise around except an occasional wrestle of a child turning in their sleep.  I think of how totally opposite his surroundings are.  I try and imagine the noise and can't come close knowing only the sounds that I hear from over the phone.  So instead I try to take in as much of the peace that surrounds me and send it his way.  Now the babies are waking up and crying as children do upon waking, and I think of a conversation we had weeks ago...."Baby, can you just set the phone down and go about your day as usual?"  I set the phone down as I got the kids dressed and fed,  all while Matt listened on the nearby phone.  I know that the sounds of our family is what brings him peace.

Good Bye NuNu

This morning I decided it was time to say goodbye to Benjamin's NuNu (pacifier).  I've tried so many things and nothing has worked.  Cutting it till he couldn't suck on it anymore, tying it to a balloon and letting them lose, donating them to other babies, nothing.  This idea jumped into my head and I went for it.  It's working so far so I had to share it.  Sometimes the key to success is finding what motivates your child, and mine is motivated by Daddy. 

Dear Daddy,
This morning I woke up and Mommy said that she needed my help.  She told me how sad you sound and anout how much you miss us.  I was concerned and wanted to help you.  I asked how I could make you happy.  Mommy told me how there are no NuNus in Afghanistan.  I know how happy a good NuNu makes me.  So, I decided to send you all of mine.  I searched the house high and low and found all that I have.  I wrote them a goodbye card and told them they'll be in good hands.  I hope my NuNus cheer you up.

I love you,
"B"