I Need You Now

Last night Aiden was pulling on my heart strings so I let him lay in bed with me till he fell asleep.  he asked, "Miss Annika, why does Ben like to lay in your bed?"  I said, "Because he misses his Daddy and doesn't want to be alone.  Why do you like to lay with your Mommy?"  He replied slowly as he gazed down, "Because I miss my Daddy and don't want to be alone."  I shook my head to show him that I understood and left to tell Sara.  The next was a hard day.  Vincent challenged me on everything today.  I had asked him to put his dishes in the sink.  His reply was,"No You."  I heard a voice yelling across the room later that day, it was again my Vinny.  "Hey you! Hey You!"  I turned to relize he was speaking to me.  All day he was in and out of time out for speaking to me this way.  If you know Vinny, this is not his usual self.  He is always kind,  understanding, and patient.  It broke my heart to see him so defiant, and I knew he was full of emotions he didn't understand.  He screamed for Daddy each time he was disaplined.  My heart was heavy when I saw the anger in his eyes turn to tears and sadness.  Benjamin would echo Daddy and would walk around carrying his blanket searching for Daddy.  He finally gave up and sat on the couch to cry.  At bed time we usually read a book, I Love You Through and Through.  Not tonight.  As I put them to bed they fought.  They threw their arms and cried on the floor.  I held them till they were calm.  I told them how much I love them and that we would wake up tomorrow and maybe God would take away our aches for the day.  As I left their room I could no longer hold back my tears.  I knew that Matt was already asleep and had another early day ahead of him, but I had to.  I called him....just to cry...just to hear his voice.  He let me cry, till my cry became a sob, and then he spoke softly,"Baby, it's ok, you can do this, you a wonderful mom."  He said it stern enough that I found strength.  I dried my tears,"I love you, sweet dreams." and I hung up the phone.  I sleep with the radio pn to distract me from the silence of night and heard a song that was so fitting.  So I wrote this so you could hear the song and know how I related to it.  Enjoy.

Keeping Our Spirits High and Our Pants Low

        Each day brings news of changing plans. We now have 72 hours left before saying goodbye to Matt, but won't even see him again till tomorrow night. Our time together will consist of the kids and I tagging along to his briefings and waiting in the van since he has appointments up until the moment he leaves. The good news...it will keep our minds busy keeping up with such a schedule. The bad news...the time will go by so much faster this way. To be honest I'm really numb about it right now because I know if I let myself feel, the emotions will be overwhelming and we don't have the time for that right now. It's always the same...I'm sure most military wives will agree....You keep the emotion down and the smile in place (put on a brave face) till the moment you are separated. Then as you realize that you're gazing at each other for the last time in what feels like forever the tears can not be held back. The children are crying all around for their fathers the wives are holding their babies tighter than ever since it's their tie to their Airman. Everyone is sobbing, we give each other our privacy to grieve and then embrace each other...We know our journey has finally begun. We are now alone at night, in a place not called home, surrounded by strangers that have to become family. In that instant we are single mothers and don't go a night without worrying...about our husbands and about how our children are hurting and have no idea how, why, or when it will be over. I'm know this all to well now with 2 deployments down, 1 about to begin, and at least 2 more to go (that's if he gets out in 5 years if not we have at least 6 more to go). I will be strong for you Matt and for our children because you have no choice but to be strong for us and I know you have it worse. My heart will ache every moment of everyday, but I will suffer with a smile because you are so strong and brave for what you do that you deserve someone to lean on.


After all of that, hopefully this will make you smile....
        Sara and I are chatting away in the car about this place back home called New Town. The conversation continued to roll as we got the kids out and organized. Each time we go anywhere Maci is in her car seat and then put into the shopping cart. The boys are instructed to hold hands. Ben on the end, since he's the smallest and lags behind a bit. Aiden in the middle, because he hates to hold my hand, and Vince holding my hand, well because he's a Momma's boy. Sara was carrying Maci. I had all the boys in order. All was well as we headed towards The Wal-Mart entrance. Vincent keeps repeating something to me, but I'm so deep in conversation it's hard to tune into what he's saying. If you've spent much time with a 3 year old, they often repeat things for no apparent reason, thus you might become complacent. Each time Vince yanks on my hand he mumbles something about his pants. I respond, "Yes, your pants Vince." and continue my conversation. Then he does it again, "Yes, you have nice pants." I respond quickly again. This dance continues across the entire parking lot until I notice people starring and laughing. If you know me very well at all I was getting ready to say something to the onlookers when Vincent says very sternly, "MA! My Pants MA!" I finally stop at the door, look down,  Sara and I burst into laughter. The kind that makes you cry. This whole time I had been dragging him around, oblivious to the fact that Vince's pants had fallen to his ankles and was waddling like a penguin trying to keep up and all of the world was there to witness it!

The Intro

      Since I can remember I've been keeping journals.  As life got busier the entry's became less frequent.  I've been searching for a way to get back involved, especially since my kids give me plenty to write about.  My husband ask questions all the time about his childhood and everyone always responds," I don't Matt, that was __ years ago."   I love listening to all the mischief that my mom and her brother got into as a child and could listen to those stories over and over again.  So this is my way of keeping in touch.  In touch with the beginning of my children's lives and  my adventure into motherhood. 

      So, I wish that I would've started this when my oldest was first born since there are so many stories between then and now.  "There's no time like the present."  I'll start this first blog with a rundown of life as I know it.  It should be easier to follow if you have the background information.....

      Matt (my husband) and I met at Shaw AFB SC.  After a few months of dating we knew it was meant to be.  We found out we were expecting a "love child"  so we rushed to the alter.  Five years later we're so glad that we did!  The first baby was a miscarriage and we quickly realized how badly we really wanted a family together, planned well or not.   After Matt returned from a 7 months deployment to Kuwait we wasted no time.  Vincent Michael was born on December 30th , 2006.  Vincent is reserved, soft spoken, and a gentle soul.  We bought a house and Matt left for Iraq.  Two days into his deployment we learned that the family would be growing shortly.  Matt returned and a few weeks later (December 5th, 2008) Benjamin James entered the world.  My little Benji, you can see the wheels turning when you look into his eyes, he searched high and low for an adventure.  He's rough, tough, and all boy.  He was born with a stork bite on his forehead that resembles a permanent bruise.  God must've thought he could save himself some time that way.  Matt went from being a "straight leg"  to a K-9 handler.  From this he received orders to Washington.  Right away we decided the family was complete and it was time for permanent birth control.  He had a vasectomy.  The doctors since have told me that they see at least 4 women a season that are surprised after the procedure.  We had our daughter, Maci Lynn on June 15th 2010.  NOW our family is complete. 

      Matt now has orders to Afghanistan and will leave in just a few days.  We dread this day, but it's part off the job.  I remember the very first deployment, it was lonely and hard, but I didn't have the pain of seeing my children urn for their father.  The second deployment was harder with Vincent at my side and Ben in my belly, but there was no questions yet.  Vincent's now old enough to understand which makes it harder to cope.  I'm so glad to have them through all this because each of them is so much like their father it's like keeping him close to me.  I'm not sure how it's going to be raising the kids alone, but I'm up for the challenge.