Getting A Hold on Things

     Matt came home, wine and a movie in hand. When he walked in the door the children ran into his arms. He held them longer, tighter than usual. Our eyes met and we smiled. It was one of those moments that you don't think about until something makes it significant. The evening went as usual. I sat on the couch, I could feel him looking at me from the kitchen so I turned and I could see he was inside himself. A Look that we've learned to recognize in the past year. I left him to his thoughts...the war we reeling through his eyes and he needed his peace. My phone buzzed and it's Matt...." I have something I need to tell you.". My heart sunk....the significance was at my feet. I couldn't bear to look at him. So I returned his text,"just tell me." it was to long before my phone buzzed again and I could feel it coming and was powerless to stop the moment. "I'm deploying in August.". I finally turned shaking my head no. His eyes filled with tears. He met me halfway and we hugged and cried. The kiddos sensing a need of change in the atmosphere turned on the music and we danced.
 
     I hope this isn't going to ramble on to much and I pray God can help make sense of all these thoughts and emotions. I've lost track and it's up to me to put myself in check. My fears and loneliness have been slowly mashing me into bitterness. GRACE...I must find it again. I thought my suffering was over. Haven't I given enough of myself, my family, I watch my child wear down and it has begun to erode me. This family needs strength, needs, hope, a rock, and I will force myself to step up again. It's time to step up and take back control....to all who this will offend I apologize. It's not my intention. I have played the politics for to long and it's changing me. I am in need of a purging of all things, people, vices, that have weakened me and got the best of me. I have 2 months left to get straight with the role model I choose to be.
     Please try not to take offenense but there are many people that I'll be taking a break from. You are wonderful and unique in a way that I will always appreciate. I would love to stay in touch and will always be there if you are ever in need of anything but it's time to get back to basics. Well wishes and thank you for letting me move in a direction that brings me back to a genuine self. It's time for a disconnect with social media and all other virtual "realities" and time to reconnect with my soul, my emotions, my family, my true self.

   There are few I depend on for strength and I'll be calling on you again...thanks for holding me up...I need you more than ever.... (Lucky by Jason Mraz just started playing on my Pandora....what a perfect way to end this post.)