The day we left was bittersweet. We drove away from a house my family loved and considered home. In the months prior that home turned to a place that was foreign to us. I glanced into each room going through memories of each space. Trying to take as much of it as I could with me. I starred at the coldesac were my boys learned to ride their bikes and Maci would circle over and over in her walker. I looked up at the front window seeing the kids all lined up laughing as they threw toys down onto the driveway. I glanced at the neighbors window. The neighbor, Ms. Wanda, that became a serogant grandmother, and the window were she kept an eye on the world. I looked up the street at Paulas house. The woman that always kept everyone in front of herself and was a constant pick me up. It was home and it was unrecognizable in my heart. It was time to go....and we were ready.
We drove together one last time as Popelets to our favorite restaurant, Carr's. A place where we we held giant life events in a quaint setting. We went to celebrate births, before deployments, to welcome home missing pieces of our hearts, to make out-of-towers feel welcome, and now for one last goodbye....possibly the biggest goodbye yet. Breakfast was normal, see we had become good at pushing back our welling hearts and keeping our eyes dry. We are experts at sucking it up and doing what must be done no matter the pain. The kids laughed and ate as siblings, the adults drank coffee and ate with the usual conversation. Everyone played the roll perfectly, like nothing was changing, like we would all go home and watch football together....like we were whole.
In the parking lot it was impossible. Impossible to block the pain, to stop the tears. My best friend....the one that kept me sane, that knew my thoughts, that knew my heart, my soul, my best sides and the sides I would never share again. The boys that became 2/5ths of my heart....the boys that I looked at as my own, the ones that I would kiss goodnight, that I would cuddle on the couch, the boys that are a part of me. The Man that my Sister loved, the one that kept her happy, that provided her life, and the one that shared her with me willingly. A part of my life would never be the same. This chapter of my life I had alway wanted to last forever. I knew during that goodbye I would always look back with smiles and tears, laughter and hurt.
The trip to Las Veags was amazing. We drove along the west coast, stood in awe with the Redwood trees, drank wine in Napa Valley, crossed a desert that made you believe in hell, and entered a city that I thought the worst of and it surprised me. We have made new friends and reconnected with ones from years ago. We have set up our home that is filled with our love and hardwork. I love it here, I feel at home here. We have a routine and little stress, Matt and I are closer than ever and rarely disagree. It was exactly what we needed even if it's not what we wanted. I ache each day when I go to turn to Sara and laugh about something and remember it's not that easy anymore. But a smile comes across when I think back on our family.....We may not always be together but we will always be one.
